What the Doctor Ordered Read online

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  My youthful face is creased with lines

  My black hair turned to grey

  I lie awake for half the night

  And doze off in the day

  I find it hard to touch my toes

  My knees now groan and creak

  I find most people are inclined

  To mumble as they speak

  I’ve started wearing glasses

  Only not one pair but three

  One pair for distance, one to read

  And one for in between

  I used to tramp up mountains high

  And stride out any distance

  Alas those days are gone

  I have to hobble with assistance

  I no longer go to nightclubs

  But instead I watch TV

  The highlight of my day is now

  My morning cup of tea

  But though my body’s old and worn

  And stiff in every part

  I really can’t be old because

  I still feel young at hear

  Herbal Remedies

  My husband woke up with a cold in his head

  He told me he felt rather ill

  I spoke to my neighbour next door and she said

  Use some garlic, it's better than pills

  I walked down the hallway and out of the door

  To the herb garden down by the shed

  I dug up some garlic bulbs, not one but four

  I'm sure this will fix him, I said

  I gave my poor husband the garlic, although

  He complained of a pain in his chest

  I phoned my Aunt Betty, she said Don't you know

  That freshly ground fennel is best?

  I walked down the hallway and out of the door

  To the herb garden down by the shed

  I picked a huge handful of fennel, then more

  I'm sure this will fix him, I said

  My husband was coughing, his forehead was hot

  I called up my sister-in-law

  She told me that fennel and garlic were not

  Any use, You need comfrey, for sure

  I walked down the hallway and out of the door

  To the herb garden down by the shed

  I bent and picked comfrey till my hands were sore

  I'm sure this will fix him, I said

  My husband was moaning, he tossed and he turned

  He clutched at his head and he sneezed

  I read Woman's Weekly and in there I learned

  That parsley's the best remedy

  I walked down the hallway and out of the door

  To the herb garden down by the shed

  I gathered up parsley and chopped it up raw

  I'm sure this will fix him, I said

  My friend's sister's neighbour brewed sage up as tea

  Which caused a miraculous cure

  I thought I would try that because I could see

  My old man had a high temperature

  He developed bronchitis deep down in his chest

  With pneumonia; now he is dead

  I scattered his ashes and he lies at rest

  In the herb garden down by the shed

  If All Else Fails

  I sent off for a project that I purchased from a shop

  Of a pretty painted trinket box with roses on the top

  I glanced down at the booklet and confess I promptly quailed

  At the sight of the instructions that this tiny thing entailed

  I knew I didn't need them so I mixed my paints with glee

  With a medium I'd picked up from a garage sale, for free

  I duly started painting and discovered with dismay

  Where my roses touched the lustre they dripped off onto my tray

  I didn't have enamel but some toothpaste mixed up well

  I applied it with a palette knife, I liked the minty smell

  My pink paint turned to muddy brown and was inclined to dribble

  And when I tried to sign my name my writing turned to scribble

  I packed the box inside the kiln and heaved a final sigh

  I opened it next morning with my expectations high

  Alas my little box was a disaster, sad but true

  And so the moral of this tale is my advice to you

  Follow the instructions!

  Keeping Clean

  Bored, I lay in hospital reclining on a bed

  Surrounded by discarded piles of books that I had read

  A cleaning lady, old and bent, approached me with a smile

  I'm here to mop the floor, she said, I'll only be a while

  Pleased with this diversion, I watched her wield her broom

  And chatted of my children as she tottered round the room

  She said, One day I hope I, too, will have a family

  I heed these words of wisdom that my mother taught to me

  I always wear clean knickers even when I'm in a rush

  I never know when I may be run over by a bus

  I eat my crusts of bread and never leave them on the plate

  That way my hair will curl. She touched her hair, which hung quite straight

  I always take a handkerchief, and make sure it is clean

  I do not talk to strangers, as I don't know where they've been

  Just in case of rain I try to keep a brolly handy

  While in my bag I have a vial of smelling salts and brandy

  I haven't chewed my fingernails since I was just thirteen

  Without her gloves a lady definitely can't be seen

  To preserve my pure complexion dear, I shade my face from sun

  Her wrinkled face beamed as she said - someday my prince will com

  Making an Appointment

  I woke up early Monday with a sharp pain in my tummy

  I needed an appointment with the doctor in a hurry

  I fumbled through the phone book feeling bilious and queasy

  As I dialled the number up, I thought it would be easy

  I rang up very early but I didn't have a prayer

  The staff all took a long weekend and nobody was there

  I phoned up on a Tuesday; I'd developed quite a rash

  It spread across my neck and shoulders right along my back

  My head was slowly pounding and my little toe was sore

  My elbow had a bruise from where I bumped it on the door

  I hoped that I would get to see the doctor right away

  But I got the 'busy' signal every time I phoned that day

  On Wednesday I was sneezing and I had a nasty cough

  I felt so hot and flustered that I took my sweater off

  I called the doctor; his receptionist said she would look

  To see if there was space to spare in the appointment book

  She said, The doctor's busy till the middle of next week

  Then hung up rapidly before I had a chance to speak

  On Thursday I had backache so I thought I'd better rest

  I stayed in bed and didn't even bother to get dressed

  I made a drink with lemons and some brandy but in vain

  My throat was red and all my muscles ached and throbbed with pain

  I dialled up the doctor just to hear the answer phone

  Please leave your name and number now as no-one is at home

  On Friday I felt dizzy and my fingertips went numb

  My knees were swollen and I had an ulcer on my tongue

  I phoned up the receptionist, again to no avail

  She said, I'll send you an appointment next week, in the mail

  She kept her word and four days later I received the letter

  I phoned up and I cancelled it - by that time I was better!

  Modern Technology

  I don't know how computers work

  As far as I'm aware

  It's magic how they take my words

  And spread them though the air

  I'm hardly old and withered

&n
bsp; But I do remember when

  I did my correspondence

  With a paper and a pen

  A window was for looking through

  Meg was my brother's wife

  A ram grazed with his flock of sheep

  To cut, I'd use a knife

  I'd paste with pots of sticky glue

  While webs I'd brush away

  A program was a TV soap

  That I would watch each day

  We'd gather round the keyboard

  Where we'd sing out like a choir

  Mum would put a log on

  The stacked woodpile by the fire

  Dad would have a hard drive

  Home from work at five each day

  And cursor at the traffic

  That he passed along the way

  A virus was a dread disease

  To lay you low in bed

  A mouse was something that you set

  A trap for in the shed

  Spam was spread on sandwiches

  You'd surf out on the sea

  While chips were something that you ate

  With sausages for tea

  Softwear was a nightgown

  And a file was for my nails

  Network was the fine embroidery

  Found on bridal veils

  Servers worked in restaurants

  And carried drinks for cash

  I can't write anymore because

  My @#*% computer's crashed!

  Mortality

  I went to the doctor on Wednesday last week

  For a check-up – my wife made me go

  The doc shook his head

  As I lay on his bed

  Here are some things you should know

  Beginning today you must heed my advice

  On this I'm afraid I insist

  To live a long life

  With your warm, loving wife

  In future please follow this list

  All meat is unhealthy and so there must be

  No more barbequed steak or mince pies

  No more roasts, no more chops

  Even chicken must stop

  Instead try a little brown rice

  No more food cooked in fat, we cannot have that

  No more sugar or cheese or whipped cream

  Eat your vegetables raw

  No more salt, that's for sure

  Don't eat chocolate and never ice-cream

  No more beer, no more wine

  And what's more it is time

  To give up both coffee and tea

  If you feel like a drink

  Just have water – I think

  That will be the most satisfactory

  No more staying up late

  Your new bedtime is eight

  And you'll get up, refreshed, around five

  A brisk walk every day

  Of around 20 K

  Will certainly keep you alive

  No more smoking, it's terribly bad for your lungs

  No more sex, that is bad for your heart

  Golf is hard on your knees

  Fishing might make you sneeze

  Have you