What the Doctor Ordered Read online

food was bad

  It should be eaten raw

  And grown at home organically

  Not purchased from a store

  So now I’m down to water

  Which I boil first, of course

  I’m still not feeling well at all

  In fact, I’m feeling worse

  Dreams of Lamingtons

  In recent years I’ve daydreamed

  Of those childhood party treats

  Lamingtons stuffed full of cream

  The first and best to eat

  Those culinary masterpieces

  Floated past my lips

  Alas, today their legacy

  Remains upon my hips

  Dreaming

  Each night I'd eagerly approach my bed

  Where down night's paths of mystery I travelled

  With daylight duties banished from my head

  Enabling my mind to soar untrammeled

  My visions flowered in bright and varied hue

  And fancies over castle spires took flight

  As daylight dimmed and silver shadows grew

  I gloried in the wonderland of night

  But now, alas, with pain, my body lies

  The gates to that great kingdom bolted hard

  Though, weeping, I may plead for paradise

  From halcyon enchantment I am barred

  Wretched and bereft I lie forlorn

  To ride the roving nightmare till the dawn

  Duplicity

  What doctors say

  And what they think may

  Not always be similar so

  I have written a guide

  So you can decide

  What he really means, next time you go

  Well what have we here?

  He has no idea

  He hopes that you'll give him a clue

  I'll see you again

  But I cannot say when

  He's off to a golf game at two

  I'll send you for tests

  In the meantime please rest

  He's using a well thought out plan

  He owns shares in the lab

  And he's eager to grab

  As much of your cash as he can

  There is good news and bad

  Now please don't be sad

  You listen to him in dismay

  He wants a new Rolls

  And while he's in control

  You are the one who will pay

  I think you should go

  To a colleague I know

  He does well with your sort of case

  He hasn't a prayer

  Of what's happening here

  And he'll split half the fees with his mate

  There is a new drug

  Which will combat that bug

  You're going to be part of a trial

  The company pays

  Him big bucks and they may

  Need you on it for quite a long while

  Your condition is rare

  Take a seat over there

  While I look up my medical texts

  He needs to spend ages

  Consulting the pages

  He finds Woman's Weekly the best

  This may hurt a bit

  He would never submit

  To something that causes such pain

  We'll just trust to luck

  That this clears it up

  You're unlikely to go back again

  The best thing for your case

  Is to wait several days

  Or better still, give it a week

  He just doesn't know

  And he hopes it will go

  So he won't have to face a defeat

  If those symptoms persist

  I'd better insist

  You book an appointment to come

  That way you'll see

  A young locum as he

  Will be off for a cruise in the sun

  Encore

  I opened up a letter that the hospital had sent me

  Requesting that I please return the crutches they had lent me

  Now my leg was mended and no longer gave me pain

  I thought I'd do the decent thing and take them back again

  I drove off after work one day before it was too dark

  Arriving at the hospital I couldn't find a park

  I drove round several streets before I spied a likely spot

  And with the crutches tightly clutched I set off at a trot

  I climbed a staircase set beside a steep and towering hill

  Panting I approached reception at the hospital

  You need to go to Physio – they sent me on my way

  Down corridors with squeaky floors and walls soft-painted grey

  I walked past Pediatrics and I trudged on past Day Stay

  I struggled up more stairs and on past CT and X Ray

  I panted through another wing past Wards 1, 2 and 3

  I gasped and lugged the crutches on beside Endoscopy

  I reached the Physio Department clutching at my chest

  Thankful that my pounding heart could have a well-earned rest

  The nurses frowned and told me that I had to go to Stores

  I sighed and picked the crutches up and climbed another floor

  I soon found that I had to go to quite another place

  Inside a separate building, on I plodded, red in face

  Drenched in perspiration with relief I reached the door

  And placed the crutches safely in a stack upon the floor

  The night was dark and rain was falling as I turned to go

  I tripped upon the step then hit the concrete path below

  A passing gentleman escorted me to A and E

  I waited there with bruised and swollen ankle, leg and knee

  They X-rayed me then told me as I wiped away a tear

  We'll put you in a cast and issue you with crutches dear

  Fitness

  The hospital administrator raised a warning hand

  I'm looking at the annual health review

  Our staff all fall below the recommended levels and

  I've decided that quite frankly, it won't do

  In fitness we're the ones who should be seen to lead the way

  Inspiring all to follow in our path

  I am planning a compulsory event for Saturday

  A 4 K running race for all the staff

  The receptionists were horrified but quickly made a plan

  As they gathered in the canteen for a snack

  The doctors and the nurses must all do the best they can

  But we will act as stewards on the track

  The morning of the race was fine and there was quite a crowd

  As everybody lined up at the start

  As they began the cardiologist moaned out aloud

  With angina and a palpitating heart

  The orthopedic surgeon had such trouble with his knees

  That he limped off to stand groaning at the side

  The specialist in allergies then gave a mighty sneeze

  And flagged a passing taxi for a ride

  The gastroenterologist took several steps then he

  Trotted off clutching his belly in alarm

  The radiologist skipped past then came catastrophe

  As she tripped and broke her ankle and her arm

  The ENT contingent puffed and panted as they ran

  The years of cigarettes closed up their chests

  Although to win they all were most determined to a man

  They only managed half a dozen steps

  The tall and handsome, slim young gynecologist was next

  He knew the odds on him were rather high

  He withdrew with the excuse that he was shagged from too much sex

  The dietician sneered and wobbled by

  The diabetes specialist gulped down a fizzy drink

  With a candy bar to give a burst of speed

  Then his sugar levels dropped and his head began to sink
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  As the orderlies jogged past into the lead

  They were muscled, strong and fit and they thought they stood a chance

  From hours of pushing trolleys, chairs and beds

  But they misread their directions so without a backward glance

  They shrugged and made off for the pub instead

  The pediatrician found the going far too fast so he

  Threw a tantrum and stamped off to stand and frown

  The surgeon, who was keen to make his mark initially

  Got the stitch and went with Matron to lie down

  The neurologist decided he would use an old technique

  Of sledging his opponents with a grin

  He gave up with a migraine and neuralgia in his cheek

  When he saw it was unlikely he would win

  The anaesthetist passed out when he ran right out of gas

  The obstetrician fell back to the rear

  The dermatologist developed quite a nasty rash

  The nephrologist went home to have a beer

  The numbers thinned as one by one the staff kept dropping off

  The ophthalmologist just couldn't see

  The otalaryngologist developed quite a cough

  The urologist stopped off to have a pee

  A collision gave the hematologist a bloody nose

  While the oral surgeon held his aching jaw

  The allergist broke out in hives when he was tossed a rose

  And the chiropractor said his back was sore

  The chiropodist complained about his raw and blistered feet

  As he stumbled to the sideline with a scowl

  The psychiatrist got moody when he saw he faced defeat

  And losing interest he threw in the towel

  The nurses had to stop when called to care for all the rest

  The physiotherapist became too tired

  The plastic surgeons hobbled to the roadside, two abreast

  The geriatric specialist retired

  Finally just one contestant made the finish line

  He smiled at the thunderous applause

  And what is your position? The administrator asked

  He answered; I'm the janitor of course

  Growing Old

  I never thought when I was young

  That I’d be old some day

  Arthritic hips and cataracts

  Were many years away

  I’d run and skip and leap and jump

  I’d dance all through the night

  I’d paint and bake and stitch and read

  With clear unblemished sight

  Past building sites I’d sway my hips

  While whistles rent the air

  Admiring glances came my way

  When I tossed back my hair

  But suddenly it seemed to me

  That life had somehow changed

  I wasn’t getting old of course

  But life had rearranged

  Policemen, posties, pilots too

  Are merely fresh-faced boys

  While roller skates and basketballs

  Are long discarded