What the Doctor Ordered Read online

Doctor Ordered

  By Lynne Roberts

  Copyright 2014 Lynne Roberts

  ISBN 978-1-927241-27-1

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  Contents

  A Testing Time

  Aging

  Bappy Hirthday

  Day Stay

  Dinnertime

  Dreams of Lamingtons

  Dreaming

  Duplicity

  Encore

  Fitness

  Growing Old

  Herbal Remedies

  If All Else Fails

  Keeping Clean

  Making an Appointment

  Modern Technology

  Mortality

  My Little List

  Old Age

  One for the Road

  Patients

  Remember Me

  Scanning Matters

  Taxing Times

  The Belly Dancer

  The Bridge Club Christmas

  The Decorator Blokes

  The Old Bag

  The Tattoo

  The Telephone

  The Woman Driver

  A Testing Time

  She went into the hospital It will not be for long

  We'll run a test, the doctor said, to find out what is wrong

  We cannot let you eat or drink, we'll hook you to machines

  They took her blood. That's very odd, we don't know what this means

  We'll do another blood test, Hmm, it's now abnormal twice

  We'd better call a specialist to give us some advice

  The specialist arrived and called for more tests to be run

  I haven't done these tests for years, he said, this will be fun

  The specialist said Take more blood and this time keep it cold

  My fee's a thousand bucks an hour, I'm glad to be involved

  They took more blood to fill their tubes, by now these numbered ten

  Just keep her nil by mouth, he said, then do them all again

  The specialist smiled quietly and rubbed his hands in glee

  If it's a new disease she's got they'll name it after me

  The intern gave a chuckle, I'm glad I'm on this case

  It's bound to look good on my CV when I leave this place

  They took more blood and ran more tests and would not let her eat

  But I'm still feeling ill, she cried, and I can't feel my feet

  No matter, frowned the specialist, we'll do a scan or two

  You're such an interesting case now that your legs are blue

  Another week went slowly by and then another four

  With drips and X-rays, scopes and scans and blood tests by the score

  And then one day the specialist arrived with all his tea

  I've studied your results, at last I know just what they mean

  He smiled in satisfaction as he stood beside the bed

  Alas – his words were too late for the patient

  She was dead!

  Aging

  Of all the things that I have lost, I miss my mind the most

  Prunes and all bran daily have replaced my wild oats

  Old age advances steadily though I’m still young at heart

  I’ve got my head together as my body falls apart

  They say that age brings wisdom, sometimes age comes by itself

  But aging only matters to a cheese upon the shelf

  I’m not yet in my sixties; 51 plus GST

  I eat food with preservatives; they must be good for me

  I’m lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory, I know

  Though I have learned diplomacy; tell somebody to go

  To hell in such a way he’s looking forward to the trip

  I’ve also learned that chocolate goes directly to the hips

  I get my exercise although I don’t go to a gym

  Jumping to conclusions daily keeps me fit and trim

  I stopped to think and then forgot to start again, in fact

  My memory’s photographic, but the lens cap is intact

  I don’t remember trying to climb up one hill or a lot

  But apparently I’m over one; I’m lucky, I forgot

  You don’t stop laughing just because you’re growing old and grey

  You know you’re getting old when you stop laughing every day

  Bappy Hirthday

  I decided on my birthday to invite some friends for lunch

  And so for their refreshment I prepared a special punch

  I started with a bowl in which I poured a little wine

  With a splash of cherry brandy, it tasted rather fine

  Next I added whiskey and some Bailey’s Irish Creme

  A bottle of Drambuie, the flavour was supreme

  Then a dash of Cointreau, to give an added zest

  I had a sip to taste it then threw in all the rest

  Gin or ‘mothers ruin’ was added to the brew

  I drank a glass of claret and stirred in another two

  I measured out some vodka, and then thought what the hell

  I tipped in half the bottle and some crème de menthe as well

  Finally I trickled in a touch of lemonade

  Then I thought I’d better sample the concoction I had made

  My friends came, then departed, after knocking at the door

  I didn’t care; by that time I was legless on the floor!

  Day Stay

  Come on in and take a seat, the desk attendant smiled

  I nervously edged through the door and took a step inside

  She handed me a booklet for a colonoscopy

  And said, Read this before we do your next ERCP

  Welcome to Endoscopy, a young nurse briskly said

  She took my file from a pile and whisked me to a bed

  She handed me a gown and pulled the curtains round the track

  Remove your clothes and pop that on, I will soon be back

  As I undressed with trembling hands she came in with a tray

  And pushed a needle in my arm, much to my dismay

  I'm sorry it's so blunt, she said, the doctors use them all

  As darts for throwing at the patient list upon the wall

  Another nurse appeared and slipped a paper wristband on

  I read the name, which wasn't mine, and said, This must be wrong

  It's quite all right, the nurses grinned, that's our new policy

  To save on money we are using up old stationery

  We're using Mr Williams' band and Mrs Pollard's notes

  We'll add your name in marker pen when we look down your throat

  Ignore the files, it really doesn't matter what they say

  None of us can read the doctor's writing anyway

  By this time feeling rather fearful I looked up and saw

  A group of student doctors taking notes beside the door

  They said, The risk of complications here is one in five

  We're taking bets on who we think is going to survive

  Next beside the bed appeared the chaplain looking grim

  I'm here to pray for you and help you to confess your sin

  I have a quota I must fill, that's why I've come around

  Do you wish to be cremated dear, or buried in the ground?

  As I lay gasping, terrified by my approaching doom

  The nurses rol
led my bed along to the procedure room

  While I lay hyperventilating, shaking, faint and ill

  A man in white approached me with a large electric drill

  He grimaced as he raised the drill, I gave a moan of pain

  To my relief he said, The new machine's gone down again

  I'm here to make a few repairs; I've got the very thing

  He proceeded to secure the endoscope with tape and string

  The anaesthetist appeared with several bottles on a tray

  He said, We're using minimal sedation here today

  The hospital is trying to save unwarranted expense

  Paracetamol's the only drug we can dispense

  The doctor handed me a form; I asked the reason why

  He said, You have to know that there's a high risk you will die

  Before I do the 'scope' you need to make a will, you see

  I strongly recommend that you bequeath your goods to me

  He added, You're the first to undergo my new technique

  I learned it from an episode of Shortland Street, last week

  He opened up a bottle as he said, Don't make a fuss

  You'll be awake for this procedure – all the gin's for us

  The doctor sprayed my throat with a disgusting tasting mist

  And plunged a hypodermic in the tubing at my wrist

  I clutched my palpitating heart and gave an anguished scream

  And woke up in Recovery to find it was a dream

  Dinnertime

  I wasn’t feeling well at all

  I did a search on line

  And found I had to give up drinking

  Coffee tea and wine

  I gave up eating meat

  Because it’s so bad for the heart

  And eggs might raise cholesterol

  So they’re out for a start

  I contemplated tofu

  But it’s made from ground up soy

  I read that it can change you to

  A woman from a boy

  I gave up milk and cheese

  And butter, casein, cream and whey

  That way I’m sure to keep

  Lactose intolerance at bay

  I started going gluten free

  For fear of getting sprue

  I read it on the internet

  I know it must be true

  I read that leafy vegetables

  Can irritate the gut

  Causing diverticulitis

  As do eating seeds and nuts

  I thought that I should concentrate

  On foods with low GI

  By that time I was struggling

  To find foods that would comply

  I read that cooking